Thoughts before sleep
by shadow0night
Summary: After a hunt, before falling asleep, Dean is forced to face some thoughts.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or any character from the show, Supernatural. They belong to Kripke and crew. I'm also not getting any financial benefits, by posting this story. No copyright infringement is intended.

/SN/

Another person had died. A soul had been taken. But to where that soul had gone, Dean did not know. Dean had watched the man die. And like very few others who walk the earth, Dean knows what it's like to take that last look before you die. Dean knows what it's like to feel yourself passing away and to realize that the last look you take will be your last memory of what had been your life. Dean scrunches his eyelids closed, as he tries hard to not recall what his last living memory had been, before he was taken to hell. With a long, tired sigh, Dean's eyelids relax and remain closed.

Dean feels as though he failed the man, who had died earlier that day. That man wanted… no, needed… no, DESERVED to live. That man had not chosen to become a puppet of a supernatural being. That man had not volunteered to be used as a tool by something supernatural.

The man had probably woken up this morning, with plans to go to work and then, return home to spend time with his family. The man had probably never considered the possibility that he might die today or that his death would be due to something supernatural.

While that man lost his life today, he was not the only one to lose something. A wife lost her husband today. A young child lost his father today. A college student lost his brother today. Several people lost their co-worker today. Dean forces himself to stop thinking about how many people had been touched by that man and how many would mourn his death.

Dean's heart grows heavy. His body feels cold, as though his heart can no longer keep him warm. His stomach aches from the acid, which seems to be viciously eating away at Dean from the inside. No, Dean realizes it isn't the acid. It is Dean's own emotions and thoughts that are slowly and painfully eating away at him.

Dean wishes he could have done something to save that man. Dean had done everything he could, in an attempt, to save him. But, Dean's best efforts had not been enough. And, this man was not the first, whose death Dean had been a witness to. This wasn't the first time that Dean's best efforts had failed to keep some one alive. And being honest with himself, Dean knows that this will not be the last time that he won't save some one, and that this will not be the last time that his best efforts are not enough.

Dean's chest feels heavy and he is forced to take shallow breaths. He no longer has the energy to even attempt to take deeper breaths. As Dean lays in bed with his eyes closed, he can feel his exhausted and bruised body yearning for sleep. But, it isn't just Dean's body that is exhausted and bruised and seeks a reprieve from awareness and consciousness. Dean's mind also seeks escape from his thoughts and wants to, at least temporarily, be oblivious to what took place today and other similar occurrences, which have taken place in the past.

Dean tries to take solace, in the fact that there are days when success does take place and a life is saved. There are times, when even more than one life is saved. And on those days, Dean appreciates knowing that one less person lost their life to the supernatural. On those days, Dean knows a wife didn't lose her husband. On those days, Dean knows that a child didn't lose his father. On those days, Dean knows that a college student didn't lose his brother. On those days, Dean knows that several people didn't lose their co-worker.

Dean's chest becomes a little lighter and his breathing becomes more normal and effortless. He feels like something is nibbling away at his insides; but, he no longer feels that ravenous, gnawing sensation, which he had felt a short time ago. His body feels a bit warmer, and he can feel his muscles relaxing.

Sleep isn't something that easily comes to Dean every night. But, at some point, it always comes. Sleep is something that Dean needs. Even if sleep doesn't come for Dean's sake, sleep is needed in order for Dean's mind and body to prepare themselves for the next life, that Dean tries to save. In the end, sleep arrives and Dean's conscious mind and body are allowed to rest.


End file.
